2008 Woodie Awards
Or So She Thought
I want to see beautiful for the first time
By: Kayla Bryant
Issue date: 4/5/06 Section: Opinion
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I have struggled with image ever since I was old enough for it to matter. I've never been pretty enough. I've never been thin enough. I've never been fashionable enough. I have never been any of these things by my own standards. No one has ever told me these things, but I was sure of them. Every time I looked in the mirror, my every thought was confirmed in my eyes.
My parents never understood why I felt the way I did. They always complimented me, told me I was beautiful, told me I was made in God's image. I knew they weren't lying to me. They honestly meant what they said, but I still couldn't believe it. I wouldn't let it sink in; actually take it in as truth. There was something in me that wouldn't accept the possibility that I was beautiful because I couldn't see it.
In high school, my best friend and I would stand side by side and apply our make-up and fix our hair. I would always ask her to do my make-up for me and to fix my hair. I wanted her to make me into someone else because I was never happy just being me.
I had always claimed that my special Bible verse, since every good Christian seems to be required to have one, was Psalm 139:14.
"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."
I think I chose this verse because there was a part of me that desperately wanted to believe that I was wonderfully and fearfully made. The problem I had was that there was another part of me that never actually took this verse to heart. I never praised God for making me this way; I resented him for it. I didn't see myself as fearfully and wonderfully made, I saw myself as plain and boring. Deep down, I realized that I didn't appreciate the way I was because I didn't want to.
Finally one day I looked in the mirror and I saw beautiful for the first time. I saw what my parents had been trying to tell me was there. I didn't see all the flaws and imperfections that I could never get past. I saw the person that God had made me, for better or for worse.
I'm afraid that there are other girls just like me. They refuse to see beauty when they look in the mirror because what they see doesn't match up to what the world decides is beautiful. I believe that reason is why girls feel the need to dress a certain way, wear their hair a certain way and cover their faces in a quarter pound of makeup. They just don't see themselves as beautiful.
The past few years have brought more maturity and understanding, although sometimes it still doesn't seem like enough. I can finally believe my parents when they tell me I am beautiful. I can smile when my boyfriend tells me I am beautiful. I can thank my friends when they tell me I am beautiful.
It isn't as if I have come into full confidence of myself, but I have come to realize something. I may not be drop dead gorgeous by the world's standards, but I can finally appreciate that I am made in God's image and that is a reason to be thankful.